Love Forever, Daddy

When last we spoke, I was telling you about how I was able to break free of my limitations regarding marriage.  My ever limited views on parenthood, and responsibility in general, would take longer to evolve.  There was a period of growth in my early to mid 20′s that helped develop a more stable foundation for me to build a happy life upon.  During this time however, I was still struggling with a complete and total lack of desire for parenthood.  I still blamed myself for the troubles that my family was experiencing.  I avoided feeling daily guilt by having them in my life less and less every month.  It eventually got to the point where we only spoke every few weeks or months.  I missed them though.  I kept preoccupied by focusing on my relationship with my then fiance.  After a few years of life in Boston, she missed her friends and family and we soon found ourselves living back in upstate New York near the black cloud I had escaped from.

Once again, their struggles and pain was thrust in front of my face.  I was better prepared this time.  The years away allowed me to catch my breath, discover, redefine and refocus on what made me happy.  Their issues no longer emotionally knocked me off my feet.  They only made me stumble which gave me some confidence once I realized that I could maintain some healthy distance.  The biggest boost in my life up to that point was taking place simultaneously; I started a job I was actually good at…really good at.  I was able to pick up on the keys to success so well that I was promoted several times in a few years and found myself in a position that I was making several times my starting salary and was successfully holding a job that normally required a college education (which I still hadn’t been able to obtain).  It wasn’t anything important or meaningful, I didn’t even really like the job, but it paid really well and forced me to have to interact, positively, with people again.  I was feeling like I was on top of the world.  I was making a good living, kept my family’s issues at bay, great marriage and I was really happy.  Outside of work, I still avoided responsibility like the plague.  I felt like I had taken more than my fair share early in life and now I didn’t want to deal with a house and mortgage, budgeting money and to use a Kramer expression (a character from Seinfeld which is one of my favorite shows of all time), I didn’t want to  T.C.B. (Take Care of Business).

Once again, the landscape of my life started to change.  Freinds and family started buying houses and having kids.  My wife was not very intrugued by the lure of home ownership and motherhood at first, but eventually she started to sense her biological clock ticking.  Soon I had been convinced to buy a house.  But kids?!?  This really pulled at painful memories.  Would I be like my father and jsut not care about my children?  Would I be like my mother and colapse under the weight of a hard life?  The one question that really summed it all up for me; How could I possibly ever take responsibility for another’s life given the absolute failure I had been previously?  Bess and I talked, and sometimes fought, long and hard about this.  She always thought more of me than I am worth (she only sees my good side) and it took forever for her to convince me that I am not as bad as I think I am.  For more than 5 years I was unrelenting in my belief.  I would eventually change my mind and it would lead to the greatest moments of my life.

Before I tell you how I changed, I should first tell you that in my opinion, there are two types of change.  Slow and barely noticeable as opposed to quick and drastic.  Evolution and revolution.  Think about the evolution of species (if your faith contradicts this, at lest you understand the concept) or a revolution against a corrupt government.  Species change in minute increments here and there, taking milenia to make a noticeable difference.  Conversely, a country can revolt and change governments literally overnight.  I am an evolver not a revolter (I know they are not real words but you get my meaning).  It was the little things that changed my mind toward parenthood.  Happily babysitting my nieces consistently over the course of the many years, talks with my wife, pressure from family and friends at work, the belief that lessons I had learned in life may be helpful to someone and lastly, believe it or not, my own biological clock (which I didn’t know men could have).  At the age of 34, I finally felt as though my demons were conquered and I knew enough about how not to be an absolute screw-up.  Bess and I started to let nature take its intended course and in the summer of 2008, I became a joyfully expectant father.

That’s my journey to deciding to become a father.  Not all glad but not all sad.  Reality is, I needed everything to happen exactly as it did to get where I am now and I am thankful for the lessons life has taught me.  My family stills tries their best but life is very much an ongoing challenge for them.  I love them and really do wish them health and happiness, but I cannot provide it for them.  I feel that finding internal peace and happiness is a journey that every person must make.  I love you Elizabeth.  I owe my life to you Bess.  You showed me the path to happiness.  Since most of this blog will be about our daughter, the following poem is for you:

I was lost in darkness and could not see,
All of life’s beauty lying before me,
You showed me the path and lead the way,
Hand in hand I could not stray,
You helped me though and gave me back a life,
I love you, my wonderful wife.

Love forever,

Daddy

I left off last time discussing the life events that have made me the person I am today.  I was about to turn 20 with no hopes of college, working dead-end jobs, helplessly watching my mother and two younger brothers fall apart and simultaneously trying to beat a severeve case of depression.  I limped along through life putting my focus on my future wife whenever we were together (which was not often since she was away at school).  I job hopped a bit in an effort to find something I was good at and in turn, gain some self esteem while always keeping an eye out for something that paid even a little better.  During these years, I do can’t recall not working at least two jobs at the same time; one full-time and one part-time.  Money went to paying personal expenses, trying to help at home and mostly funding an increasing need to spend money as an escape from my life (and fend off depression).  Eventually, I became utterly useless to my mother and brothers.  All the sacrifice and hard work…wasted.  All the desire and ambition…depleted.  Dedication and love…dead.  I was a shell of who I once was.  Just a hollow soul of a boy that used to care. 

The fight back from depression made me cynical and hard.  I never much cared for people because I couldn’t see what they had to be so happy about.  But this time of my life really scarred me and the pain of it lingers in certain parts of my life still.  With the exception of my future wife, I vowed to never take anyone seriously.  Keep everyone from getting to know who I was or at the very least at a safe distance.  I started to read everything I could about depression.  The causes, cures and most importantly for me, how to keep it from coming back.  I had good years and bad years but by the time I was 23, I thought I had learned a very painful lesson.  You don’t feel pain or guilt if you are never there to let someone down.  Better yet, instead of me never being there, what if I never filled the other relationship holes in my life.  Marry?!?  Why?  So i can let Bess down?  Kids?!?  Why?  So I can repeat what my father did and abandon them?  Friends?!?  Why?  They only want to take what they can!  I think you can see where this is going…except for Bess.  I owed her my life still.  She gave me the motivation to get up every morning and try again.  If I channeled all of what i had left to give into her, it just might work.

I poured myself into making our relationship work.  Night and day i fought with Bess and looked for ways to make it a happy relationship.  After time, the fears I had about us lessoned to the point there was nothing else to do but commit completely.  At 23 I made the first real step to healty healing…I moved out of my family’s house and in with her three hours away from the only home I ever knew.  I quickly found out how compatible we were because only 2 years after, I propsed marriage and was lucky enough to have it accepted.  I overcame the fears of marriage, which growing up I had vowed to never do.  The fears of fatherhood would take many more years for me to face and come to terms with.  I will tell you about my transformation into expectant father next time.

I love you Elizabeth.

Love Forever,
Daddy

I feel as though I need to supply you with a little introduction of me before I start talking about Elizabeth (once i get going on her I may find it too hard to stop).  I grew up in a broken home, the oldest of three boys.  Once my father left when I was 13, I felt responsible for my two younger brothers.  I did what a child could and gave it my best to do more than I should.  I fixed up the house, fixed up the car, attended parent teacher nights, accompanied my brothers as a chaperon for Cub Scout outings, helped discipline them, coached their sport teams, assisted with homework and I even got a job to help limit my drain on my mother’s finances.  I still did some kid things like play sports and video games, but I missed out on the most important task of socialization.  Even today, I struggle in relationships more than an adult should as a result of completely missing this development.

Years went by and I started to crumble under the pressure .  The change was nearly imperceptible.   It was like lying in a field and trying to feel the grass grow around you.  If you lie there long enough, although you’ll never feel it grow, you will disappear in a sea of green.  That was me…too young to know I was in over my head, to scared to admit that it was happening to my brothers too and to proud to help myself and let my family down.  In an effort to support them in their transition into High School, I opted out of going away to college.  I had decided this by the time I was in 10th grade; way to young for such an important decision.

When my brothers entered high school, they broke.  Drugs, alcohol, theft and skipping school.  You name it, they did it.  I fell into a deep depression over what I percieved as my failure.  This put a further strain on my mother financially and I dropped out of school to work more. (I will add at this point that my mother did all she could.  She was put to an impossible task.  I fault her for nothing and quite honestly, I have pity for the life she’s had.  She was a good woman who was turned hard by a hard life.) The harsh reality of seeing what had become of my family became too much and I quickly felt suicidal on a near daily basis. I will back track slightly and tell you that the only thing that got me through was my future wife. Seeing that I was no longer able to do any good for my family, I poured everything I had into her. I had heard my mother tell me how neglectful my father had been and I vowed not to follow in his foot steps. Having done this, well…my wife saved my life. I had to make the hard decision of letting my family go and become responsible for their own actions and start to put the pieces of me back together.

I feel as though this is a good place to take a break. It emotionally drains me to think about my past and I need a break. I will end as I plan on always ending my posts…to my daughter.

Love Forever,
Daddy

6P2GY2X8FAMR